A Little Perspective From Tom Church

According to my estimates, a shitload of people use the Internets on a daily basis, and I say that’s freaking spectacular. Sorry if that was a bit of a shocking first sentence, but I went to the dentist today and they had free coffee, and damn if I didn’t dump all their CoffeeMate creamer in my cup and down it in ten seconds. It was phenomenal.

The Internets (also called Intranets, Nets, Webs, or Internet) have fostered infinity-times the creativity of a Chinese sweatshop, and have conceived more cat-related thought processes than the combined efforts of all the world’s cat ladies, the Hello Kitty corporation, and the creators of Catdog combined (in layman’s terms).

The Internets are impressive because they connect so much with so little effort. And I’ve found it hard to trust something so huge because huge things are hard to contain. The Internets are like six elephants in a bamboo cage smack-dab in the center of Ethiopia. It’s not gonna to be properly contained long.

I frequent pages like Wikipedia and stuff, big wealths of knowledge that are practically invaluable if you want to learn anything about anything. A few decades ago, these were encyclopedias. A few decades before that, they were just really, really old people.

These pages are so convenient, and so elaborately defined that it stuns me into stupor. Who knew Gumby’s parents’ names are Gumbo and Gumba? Who knew that in “My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic,” the teevee series, the first season ended with the ponies’ competition in the Grand Galloping Gala (okay, I did, but still)?

But can you trust this shit?

Well, yes. Because I’m sure if you were to go out and freaking watch the shows, you’d freaking see that the freaking things you learned on the freaking Internets are completely freaking true.

Teachers worldwide may complain, groan, and bitch about Wikipedia and stuff, but I’ve never gotten an answer from that particular website that wasn’t completely and entirely true. Yahoo! Answers? Maybe I’ve gotten one wrong answer (Q: What’s the special ingredient in Hamburgers Diane? A: Rat testes).

Those hamburgers tasted like shit. But for the most part, I know when I’m reading the wrong answer, and I never read the wrong answer when it’s on a Wiki page.

I trust the Internets in that respect.

Here’s where you can’t trust the Internets: Ever seen the movie “Big Fat Liar?” It’s about Paul Giammatti committing plagiarism at its worst (plagiaristic adultery, I call it): plagiarism of a poor, defenseless little kid’s work.

This poor, defenseless little kid was obviously Frankie Muniz. Anyways, Giammatti steals his school paper, makes it into a movie, and then is publicly exposed by Frankie Muniz. And then, on top of the public nudity, Frankie tells everyone he stole his essay and made it into a movie.

Just kidding, no public exposure. That’s how I feel on the Internets; if I share any of my good ideas that I feel will someday help me to be successful, the Paul Giammattis of the word will snatch them up and make them into terrible movies and books and I will be full of shame.

I have a story written that’s about forty-five pages right now, and damn, I like it- I would just never post it on here, never even e-mail it to myself or another. Never even… anything. I just hoard it.

If it reaches the Internets, people will snatch it up, slap a copyright on it, and then sue me for being affiliated with it. I think that’s how it works. I don’t really know. But it’s happened before, probably. To other people.

I also think that maybe I have Paranoid Personality Disorder. I also think I sometimes go into caffeine-induced manic states.

Here is the last of my strength (or the last of my concentration): the Internets are reliable. They may be full to the brim of nasty disgusting filth if you look hard enough, but they’re contained by firm enough bamboo (meaning search refinements and such) to lead you in the right directions. The Internets we see are the creams of their crops, the tops of their lines. We get reliable information from various sources, gain insight on things we’ve viewed narrowly or have never considered before, and have ourselves plenty of laughs out loud. Therefore, the Internets are this generation’s best and most valuable friends, and should be treated as such.

I’m off to google cats, ta-ta for now.

aestheism, not atheism.


Comments on: "Trusting The Internets (Thom’s Thoughts)" (2)

  1. I think it ok to trust this internet, its not able to use its knowledge to destroy the human race, that’s Skynet you gotta look out for.

  2. Marilyn Quinn said:

    What’s this about Hamburgers Diane? Really? Seriously? Rat testes? A pox on you. HD are fantastic!

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