A Little Perspective From Tom Church

As we all know, Valentine’s Day is coming up. People call it the “Forever Alone” holiday, nowadays, and that’s just silly and awful.

I’d like to get down to the roots of this holiday, and really help you, pleasant reader, understand why people associate love and chocolate with St. Valentine.

Alright, dig it:

As most people know, saints were practically the superheroes of their times; the Freddie Wongs and Nicolas Cages, as it were. For example: St. George, the Saint of Stuff (I think), was hanging out with a princess when a dragon came out of the water near him. He lanced it and wounded it, and then led it to a nearby town with the woman’s girdle as a leash. He told the townsfolk and king that if they converted to Christianity, he’d slay it.

And they did.

All fifteen thousand of them.


Well, Saint Valentine was pretty neat, too, I guess. See, after the thirteenth Scrimmage-Duel between the humans and the Alien-Raptors of Crynon IV, St. Valentine was put in jail for being treasonous toward the Earthstate.

His crime was loving an Alien-Raptor by the name of Bella Swan, who herself was in love with an Alien-Raptor named Edward Cullen. A human, Valentine tried everything to get her attention, and so she reported him to the Space Police Force and he was put in interplanetary jail.

Sad and alone, he wrote and wrote, poured his words onto sheets upon sheets of blank papyrus. He quickly coined the phrase “forever alone” which is now used in popular web-memes.

He also wrote several books under the names of J.K. Rowling, Dean Koontz, and Dr. Seuss Geisel.

He then took to writing letters and tying them to a dove which perched upon the window to his cell, and hoping maybe they’d reach someone out there who could relay his messages to his beloved Bella Swan.

Here is a letter found and decoded by top historians:

Dear Bella,

Please please please come back to me, lolz. I wanna make out with you and stuff and then we can go see a movie or something. Then we can eat popcorn and I always wanted to try making out and eating popcorn at the same time.

Saint Valentine (people call me Socks ’cause I knocks yours offs)

The letters Valentine sent were never received by Bella Swan, for she died at a young age. She was mauled by a Spacebear.

Experts today believe that Dove chocolate was named after Valentine’s faithful messenger dove.

Chocolates were another major player in Valentine’s stay in Interplanetary Prison; as it turned out, this prison (Volsk-tec XXI) was located in a remote universal region with a primary export of chocolate. Therefore, the food served at the prison was mostly chocolate-based, and Valentine gorged himself. This led to a very untimely death after a mere two years in prison. His heart suffered severe palpitations and he was pwned in the solitude of his cell. No one found the body until several days later.

They found that he was an organ donor, and so an elite medical team performed an autopsy to confirm his organs were intact and able to function, still. As it turned out, all were- save for his engorged heart.

The palpitations from all the chocolate had altered the shape into a form which is best described as looking like this:


And so, that is where we get the “heart” symbol we see so often nowadays, during Valentine’s Day.

People dedicated February 14th to Saint Valentine originally to ridicule the poor sap. However, the day now serves as the ultimate Love Holiday, and people everywhere give gifts without realizing that they’re doing so in memory of unrequited love and untimely death.

How quaint.

aestheism, not atheism.


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