A Little Perspective From Tom Church

I was somersaulting through a jagged mountain pass the other day, and I thought:

  • What if Frankenstein’s weakness wasn’t fire, but soy sauce? (things would be different, that’s what)
  • Why do geese fly in such suggestive formations all the time?
  • What if someone managed to invent bottled wind, and the tagline was like… “A Blast of Fresh Air… Hold On to Your… Hair………………. Follow us on Twitter.”  ?
  • What if my socks were the things that were cold sweating right now instead of my feet?
  • What if children were remarkably adept at learning the art of brutal warfare, most being proclaimed proficient with a firearm by the age of four and able to slay dozens of far off men within minutes?
  • What if the sudden pains people sometimes get are due to their voodoo dolls being disturbed? And there was a voodoo doll made for every single person in the entire world, all of them contained in a huge IMF vault in Croatia?
  • What if babies were better-scented than normal people?
  • What if Pop Rocks and Pepsi were used in a MacGyver-type situation to blow a hole in a wall?
  • What if ostriches were actually fish, people were just too stupid to recognize the gills?
  • What if Kleenex were little gnomes that commanded mice to go out and scavenge food for them? And they had little staves and shaman clothes?
  • What if when you didn’t run up a flight of stairs, the steps shocked you?
  • What if baking soda was made from lice larvae?
  • What if bows and arrows were deemed ancient historical artifacts?
  • What if a cannibal shoppe opened up themed with Roman Coliseum props and armour-wear, called “Glad-I-ate-‘er”  ?
  • What if kazoos were alien inventions?
  • What if cartographers are people whose job it was to graph the increase in sales and prices of shopping carts?
  • What if penguins were tools of the government and heterosexual men and women were aliens?
  • What if bluegrass music was centered on the theme of new age, modern technology?
  • What if every time you watch “Ghost Rider” with Nicolas Cage, a hunk of your soul is torn from your being and cast into a permanent void?
  • What if silly putty was food?
  • What if cheez-its were the state food of Mississippi, which also has the highest obesity rate out of any of the U.S. states?
  • What if Clorox advertised a new product that was a play-on-words of the cleaner “Clorox Bleach” called “Clorox Bitch,” which “nagged da stains out” and “puts dat lousy scumbag in its place”? I’m sure someone would buy it, at least for the hell of it.
  • Poems were actually just complete nonsense with no thought infused into them at all? (this one’s a shout-out to my good friend, William Carlos Williams, who may have snuck in a dud or two, but did well for himself for the most part. Here’s to all the “Red Wheelbarrows” of the world)
  • What if famous actors were all forced to commit to a blood pledge to gain access to Hollywood?
  • What if my day weren’t spent thinking of these?

asestheism, not atheism. 


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