A Little Perspective From Tom Church

Ah, WordPress.com’s updated it’s posting format. Interesting.

*sips tea*

Anyway.

Hi, I’m Thom. I like to watch scary movies, although just a few years ago, I was terrified to embark on such (seemingly) preposterous and adrenaline-pumped journeys. “King Kong,” starring A. Brody and Jack Black and whoever else, scared the living hell out of my poor, puny, fourth-grade body. I once had to stop watching “Money Pit” because the one construction worker guy was hitting very heavily on Tom Hanks’ wife while he was stuck in a rug. I couldn’t watch the Bassilisk scene of “Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets” until maybe three or four years after it was released on DVD. And I couldn’t play Internet Flash games that had blood in them until about the sixth grade.

Now I love all that shit. “Except the Money Pit” one. That one still scares me in a psychological sense.

As I sit here, in my swivel computer chair, listening to “Wheel” by John Mayer, I concede that yes, I am addicted now to scary, freaky, horror movies.

I watched two tonight, which were… oh, what was the first one… Oh. “Insidious.” And the next was “Fear” with Marky Mark.

Now, “Insidious” was whatever. Not that scary, pretty awful casting, the demon was Darth Maul and Freddie Krueger combined. The dad was actually Raoul from “Phantom of the Opera,” which made it that much less scary.

“Fear” is a psycho-thriller classic, and was definitely worth my time. The entire time I watched it, I kept seeing this Gary kid (spoiler: he dies) and thinking: “That’s the guy in the ‘Smallville’ commercials!”

He isn’t that guy. His Wiki page talks about how he quit acting early and got food poisoned in Pakistan or something.

Anyway, after realizing Todd Caldecutt is not at all the “Smallville” guy, I was able to really lean back and take everything in. Marky Mark carving ‘Nicole 4 Eva’ into his admittedly ripped chest; the gang breaking into Reese Witherspoon’s house and destroying everything and trying to beat/rape/murder them all; Wahlberg luring Kaiser the German Shepherd into the brush to behead him.

It’s an ugly, ugly movie. But maybe one of the best psycho-type movies I’ve ever seen. It tops Psycho, I’d say.

I like Wahlberg in this role because it actually means something. He’s not a hero, he’s a villain. He’s a twisted man-bitch bent on sex and rage. And he does really well at it. Ever seen “The Happening?” It’s a sci-fi thriller, I guess… horribly done, and with a cast that doesn’t fit the bill at all. Mark Wahlberg + Zooey Deschanel + John Leguizamo = complete bullshit.

Anyway, plants release toxins that make people commit suicide for some reason. And Marky Mark and the crew stay at this old woman’s house out in the country. She asks him late at night…

“PLAN ON STEALING SOMETHING?”
“No, ma’am, we’re not!”
“PLAN ON MURDERING ME IN MY SLEEP?”
“Whaaaaat? Nooooo!”

It was *awful.*

Search “The Happening – what no” on Youtube if you’re at all interested. It’s a minute of your time you won’t have completely wasted.

Movies befuddle me sometimes, but please- tell me what you think the good ones are.

-Thom
aestheism, not atheism.

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