A Little Perspective From Tom Church

Someone recently asked my thoughts on the Star Wars saga, the legendary sci-fi series that shaped moviemaking.

Well, looking at it in that perspective, it’s monumental, it’s amazing.

And hyped, too.

I watched them in order, no need to fret. Some people of my generation saw the first three and then the last three, meaning really, they saw them in the story’s chronological order, but not the series’ chronological order. They started with Qui-Gon instead of Kenobi, in other words.

I started with all that Jawa-Kenobi shit. And really, my first impression was that Luke was a bit whiny, that really, the series was a bit weird. Of course it was intense, and it made sense, and I saw the fifth and sixth and was moderately impressed. It was climactic and cool and all that.

But nothing to dress up in costumes over, right?

Well, debatable. For some people.

I watched the Qui-Gon one, and thought Yoda looked like a Muppet, and that Anakin as a boy was a joke. I saw “Jingle All The Way” with Arnold Schwarzenegger first, and that boy really annoys the hell out of me. Jake Lloyd. What a silly name. His acting career lasted from 1996 to 1999. Then he lost all his cuteness (which he must store in his cheeks since they’re so chipmunky) and he spent three more years doing voice recordings for video games, and then people said “We just don’t want you anymore.”

The second Star Wars- ah mah Gawd. Anakin was such a whiny asshole. And the way he kisses Padme is like… trying to get your thumbs to kiss each other sideways. Try it. Jut them out and try it.

The third was okay. Anakin was still really lame, still really annoying. Also, Ewan MacGregor was, too. Some memorable lines from Kenobi are:

“It’s ovah, Anakin! I have the higha ground!”
“Anakin, my allegiance, is to the Republic, TO DEMOCRACY.”
“Let us make sweet love in the fields of-”

Okay, the last one wasn’t said. Or… it wasn’t in the script.

Anakin’s role as the testy bad boy pissed me off. He flared his nostrils so many times.

As a final review comment of the saga in general, I think it’s insane that there’s so much fanfiction for it all. If it weren’t for Lego Star Wars, I wouldn’t know the names of anything in the movies- Womp Rats, Taun We, Geonosians, et cetera.

And there are so so many books about it, preludes and in-betweens and stories from the points of view of like, Ewoks and shit. It’s like, why? Whyyy?




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