A Little Perspective From Tom Church

What if:

  • All the people in a court jury were given the option of “Aye,” “Nay,” or “Meh” when asked for a decision on the case?
  • Men in distress were called “mansels,” the male counterpart to “damsels?”
  • Sears started selling jazzcuzzis, which are machines for people who want to both appear classy (when they don’t even know the name of the composer) and enjoy a bubbly massage?
  • Steve Perry got married to Sherry, the woman he was singing to in the song “Oh, Sherry?” Then he’d have a wife named Sherry Perry.
  • Steve Perry, subsequently, was found to have several brothers: Barry, Larry, Kerry, Harry, Gary, Terry, and Perry?
  • I made up a lame joke? (What do you call an Australian Warrigal’s slang term “Freebie” in place of “Free Space” in the game of Bingo? DINGO BINGO LING- Okay, that was the worst joke ever.)
  • I made a cult? I was thinking that our cult would require a member to bring cookies to every meeting, and that the magic word would be “slipshod,” everything is “slipshod.”
  • A man was ran over with nine of the eighteen wheels of an eighteen-wheeler, but only his legs, right? So as some sort of reimbursement, the truck company pays off the man’s law suit in scrap metal, which the man, a professional welder, uses to make bionic legs for himself. And he becomes a superhero, Metalman or BioFreak or something?
  • September was outlawed? Like, the month.
  • Neptune absorbed Pluto, making it a multi-planet, and atronomers were forced to accept Pluto again? And the cosmic body was called Nepluto?
  • Drinking satisfied hunger needs, and eating quenched your thirst, and sex emptied your intestines and emptying your intestines made babies?
  • Coffee mugs were used as legs? Someone, please explain to me how that’d work.
  • Batteries were alien technology? Along with ziplocs.
  • Fire alarms, instead of beeping, blasted music by Prince? “FIRETECH INDUSTRIES. Specializing in prototypes featuring “Little Red Corvette” and “When Doves Fly” alarms, guaranteed to wake you the hell up.”
  • Legos were found to be the only source of alternative energy?
  • Doorstops, those little rubber rings on walls, that kind, were actually push-button teleporters to alternate dimensions?
  • Transylvania was made a U.S. state?
  • A pop-punk band came out called “Geometric Bitches,” and the only band members were a singer and a triangle player? No other instruments involved.
  • People understood what lasers are? I don’t think anyone I know can tell me what a laser is…
  • Sperm whales were named for their inability to reproduce, causing them to go extinct within ten seconds, which was their life span?
  • Genes for cells were actually just little pairs of jeans that the chromosomes wear?
  • Bicycles were suddenly found to cause brain tumors?
  • It became healthy to be fat?
  • Google became overshadowed by Kazaa, which suddenly became its own empire, featuring WEB SEARCHES AND FREE MUSIC AND VIDEO SHARING, SOCIAL NETWORKING-
  • Limes were found to be purple if grown underground with artificial light?
  • It became “gay” to eat pizza?
  • Sandra Bullock ate a man on the set for her new movie?
  • Lipton Tea put out a shipment of 400,000 secretly poisoned beverages?

-Thom, Aestheism not atheism.


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